Phydell found what he was looking for. Deer tracks. Fresh too, which meant the animal can’t have gone through the area but moments before. With the stealth of a wild cat, Phydell followed the tracks through the thickets and tall trees.
The hours before dawn were always the best time for hunting. There was something about that time of day, something he wasn’t able to quite put his finger on. All he knew was that he sensed something, as though he were expecting something, or someone.
The first of the suns rays had begun to rise over the horizon, and he spied the flickering ear of the deer. It had not noticed his presence, and with one stealth like move, he had an arrow from the quiver slung over his shoulder and primed his bow ready.
His deep blue eyes, the color of the deepest of oceans, set directly on the target in front of him. His muscles shivering with anticipation, as he watched and waited. Patience was the key to making the kill quick and clean.
The deer innocently continued to graze, and Phydell honed in on the area he knew the heart would be. There was no need for the animal to suffer any more than it should have to, a quick clean kill was always most effective for all, and ensured the least pain and suffering. Phydell ready, prepared to release, when suddenly, the deer bolted.
Phydell, in slight shock, was sure he hadn’t made a sound, and dumbfounded he wondered what had gone wrong. Moments later, as a large black horse galloped by him at top speed, which was obviously what had spooked the deer to bolt.
“What in the Liad was that?” Phydell thought.
He stood up and came clear of his hiding place, brushing his deep brown hair from his eyes. He stood tall and muscular, though his strong face held a very puzzled look. He had never seen that horse before, nor had he ever seen one freely running through this part of the forest. Surely the beast belonged to someone. It was a too finer animal not to.
Phydell was as fast as he was skillful with his bow and arrow. Without any hesitation or further thought, he started in the direction the horse had gone. As he ran he scanned his surroundings for signs of the horse, noticing broken branches and trampled bushes as he went. The thing which he found most interesting was the tracks which the horse left behind. This horse had been shoed, which meant that it had to have belonged to someone, though he had never seen the animal before and he was sure that he had shod at least every horse in all of Sanatate by now.
The way the horse had run it had obviously been frightened, he hadn’t really had the chance to see whether there was a saddle or any sign of ownership.
Phydell finally found the out of breath beast panting hard at the nearby stream. Its saddle still strapped to his back, bridle hanging loosely in the water.
Sweat glistened from the animal’s fine neck, and he was reminded of his own horse Amicus. A fine black stallion he had raised from a foal. Foam frothed from the beast’s mouth, and Phydell sensed the animals fear. He stood still for a moment, and then stepped forth in full view of the animal. He stood completely still, and waited for the animal to see him. Startled the animal reared up to full height, hooves flaying in his direction. But Phydell did nothing, remaining perfectly still and calm before the animal.
The black beast reared again and again Phydell remained completely still. Realizing that Phydell had shown no fear of him in any way, the animal set himself back down, ears flat against his head, stamping his foot on the soft ground. Still Phydell stayed where he was and kept eye contact with the horse, and waited patiently.
Slowly he pulled his pack from his shoulders and bent down, taking from it a hand full of oats to offer the animal.
Its ears flickering slightly, recognizing the gesture of oats to be an offer of food, the horse took a step towards Phydell. Within moments the beast was eating the oats from the palm of his hand, while he stroked its sweat lathered neck with Reassurance. Once they were gone, he very gently took the reigns and led the animal to the stream to drink.
“Who owns you?” he asked the animal in a soft voice. The animal was in pristine condition, so where in Semper Fe was its owner?
Drinking wine and thinking bliss, is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are skidding up and down again
Up and down and round again, down and up and round again.
Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all.
Just to end up right back here on the floor.
To end up right back here in on the floor.
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm
The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.
Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgivness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.
Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm
Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.
Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me, what it's done to me.
What is done...done
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Broken mirrors and a black cats cold stare,
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there.
But I'm not scared at all, hmm...I'm not scared at all.
Bout the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal
The truth is, it may not have happened anyway. My mother would have most likely not changed. She would most likely have stayed the bitch she was and in spite all of my efforts, never been the mother I really wanted. I just hope that I don’t become her. They say you turn out like your parents.
I miss him. I miss him a lot. He is hurting and I can’t help. I am worried. He is worried. Thoughts keep coming and I can’t make them stop… I want to help. I want to leave. I want to get away. I hate what I see. I hate were I am. I want to run. I want to fly, but I have no wings.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn. I only know what is in my heart. I know my heart loves him. I hope he knows. I hope he doesn’t forget.
I wish I had more faith in myself. I wish I was stronger for him and for me. I wish I could stop crying.
I can’t stop the thoughts. I can’t stop the feelings. I can’t make it go away and I feel like I am losing control. I feel so lost I don’t know anymore the thoughts won’t stop and I’m so confused. I wish I could see that everything will be ok.
I don’t understand why I hurt so much for someone I cared so little for. I don’t know why I miss the person who treated me as though I was nothing more than trash. I want to understand. But I can’t.
I want peace. I want my love. I want to have some peace to spend with my love. Is it that much to ask to be left alone for a little while so that you can spend time with the one you love. For the last few days it seems that everyone wants to put drama in between my and him and we have not had time to ourselves. Not even the hour or so we usually have before bed. Why can’t people let me have what little time I do have to spend with the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with in peace for more than 5 minutes? Is it so much to ask to let him have some peace and not deal with who said what to whom this week? Why don’t people understand that this is not a soap opera this is our lives they are playing with. We need our time and we need our peace but it seems that it isn’t good enough for anyone. People seem to want to make sure one of us or both of us are miserable.
Is this fair? Is this what people call friendship?
All I know is that I love my man with all I have and I want nothing more than for him to be happy and loved. I don’t want him to change in any way; I love him just the way he is. I want to be with him and love him and cherish him the way he deserves. Most of all I want to have the future with him that I know we could have given the chance.
I am fed up with people trying to destroy what happiness we do share together and I am most definitely fed up with drama that belongs on a stage or a TV show, and not in the daily goings on of life. If that is how people wish to act and behave then there is a place for them all… Were I don’t know, but it isn’t near me or my love.
It’s not fair. Life isn’t fair. But, why make it worse for others and ultimately yourself?
Tinker I love you baby with all I am now or ever will be. You are the love of my life and no matter what my love for you will never change. I just hope you know that and believe that, and I really hope you never forget. I am with you mind body heart and soul and I am yours and yours alone. You are everything I want and need and even more… Please know I mean that my love. Eternally yours baby…
xxSerexx
Change is not something that most people like, and it’s something that a lot people do not do well. Sadly, change is not something I deal with well either. But in most situations change is what is needed to be able to move forward with ones life and allow a future to exist. Without change there is no real future, and what future there is not always the one which is desired.
I feel blessed that I have someone in my life that is caring and loving and wonderful. Someone who loves me and is going to care for me and show me the way and the light, and willing to give me something to look forward to, and a promise of a magnificent future.
I am one of the lucky ones…
I have something to hold on to…
I have a dream…
I have hope…
I have him…
And thanx to him I have learnt to see things differently. I am in love and I am going to have a real life, and its all thanx to him showing me the way to see things in a new way.
My mother passed away last week, and today was her funeral. Last time I checked it was a sacred event which demands much respect from all who attend. Unfortunately today these unspoken rules were completely forgotten and instead of a sacred event, my mother’s funeral turned into a cross between an UFC fight and a circus. All that seemed to be missing were the high ticket prices and the laughter. Even though there were plenty of performing clowns doing amazing acrobatics and acting like performing animals gone wild, while the laughter was replaced with hysterical shrieking from family members, myself included.
Not only was I horrified by what I heard and seen, I was mortified by the fact that I became the object of the ring masters abuse. This kind of banter and behavior was uncalled for and definitely not provoked, and although the performing circus animals attacked the ring master in defense of my honor, I still found myself in shock and hurt by the whole situation.
Although it is clear from my last post that I did not have the fairytale relationship little girls dream of one day having with their mother’s, I still love her and miss her, and I feel she deserved more respect. We were there to pay our last respects to her before she was cremated. We were not there to cause trouble and sling abuse across a parking lot, ending in a brawl caused by flared tempers. I honestly don’t care if it was the homeless guy down the street or the man sitting on the presidential or parliamentary toilet seat, a funeral should be treated with utmost respect and not treated with such flippancy or lack of courtesy and insolence.
I hope that in a few weeks time when we receive her ashes that we are able to spread them across the water, as she left in her last wishes, without the commotion like which was caused today. I want to be able to at least be able to say goodbye to the woman without feeling threatened or afraid. I want to be able to say goodbye without having to deal with a circus afterward. Is it really too much to ask to be able to mourn my mothers death in peace?
I’m sorry mum.
xxSerexx
A Letter to my mother,
Goodbye mum.
You made my life hard when I was a child. I will never forget the fights and the arguments. The torment, being tortured into what you wanted me to be, I will neverany of this. The way you took me away from my home, took me away from dad so that he had to move away from his home to be with his daughter. I will never forget the way you abandoned us, and I will never forget the way you came back.
Mum you may have been a good mother on the outside. You may have provided for me a roof and food, clean clothes, and a place to sleep. But you know something mum; I would have given it all to hear you just once that you are proud of me. Just one time I would have loved to have heard that I did something good and that I am not a total failure.
You fooled a lot of people mum. You betrayed me when I needed you the most. You hurt me in so many ways. But I didn’t give up. I always thought we would work it out some day. I would have forgiven you. I would have welcomed you with open arms. I would have taken all the love and given all a daughter can give. Even though you condoned your own daughters’ abuse.
Why forgive you mum?
Because I am your daughter and I thought you were my mother. I thought you were a better person than what you became. I always thought I was the failure. But now I see clearly. It wasn’t me, it was you.
I love you mum. I will always love you. I can’t say I forgive you for the past but I can at least say go in peace. Just know one thing mum, I will never forget.
Ashes to ashes…
Dust to dust…
It has been a while since I have made a post. There have been several reasons for this, and to all that have been faithful readers I do apologize and will do my best to continue to post often once again. I am sure there is some wondering if I will ever finish the tarot meanings and I assure u that I will finish them over the next few months.
As for life in general, well things have definitely changed. I am still very much in love with my baby, and things are going really well for us. I am even sure that I am going to be with him even sooner than I thought. I have even found a way to save money for me to get there. So for a change, something is going our way.
Sadly things in other areas of my life have gone to hell but somehow I am sure they will work themselves out. I am not sure exactly how this is going to happen. All I know is that I have faith that it will. I know that things aren’t meant to be easy. But I finally think I am coming to the end of a really difficult road. Not that it will be all smooth sailing from now on. But at least life will be somewhat easier in comparison to what it is now.
Tomorrow is my mother’s funeral. That is my next challenge. A mother that was never a mother to me only the woman who gave birth to me. She was passed away earlier this week after being hit by a car while crossing the road. She was totally intoxicated at the time. Not that it makes a great deal of difference in her case. She is still gone.
They wanted me to speak at the funeral. I just don’t know what I am meant to say. To me she wasn’t my mother. She treated me like crap. She made my life hell. What more is there to say?
I don’t think there is nothing more to say other than…. Goodbye.
When it rains it pours. Who ever it was that said that didn’t realize how true it can really be. Sometimes I don’t see the reason for getting up in the mornings. But then I can’t help but think about the love of my life and that’s all the reason I need to find the motivation. It’s mostly because of him that I find the motivation to get up and even begin a day.
Lately things have been piling up on top of me. I am beginning to feel like I am drowning. I am lost with everything and I don’t honestly know if I am strong enough to swim through the waters I am ready to venture into. If I wasn’t such a goose I would be able to think clearer. But thanks to my own stupidity my head is a wash with spots and echo’s, as well as dizzy spells and aches.
The question that poses the deepest waters is one that is bound to mess with my head. I have a choice, I can avoid the deep waters or I can just jump in feet first and hope I eventually find the surface again. Right now in my life I have finally found the shallows and have been able to relax on the shores. I am afraid if I try swimming out too deep I won’t be able to find the shores again.
Lately there has been so much happiness in my life… I have learnt to try to live again…. I am happy for a change… I am not sure I can go back to the way things were… I don’t want to lose myself again.
Lately I haven’t been able to write anything that resembles anything positive in any way at all. I am either in a rut or insane. But there is one person who gives me strength and hope and the words of this song really describe how I feel about him and how he makes me feel. He is the love of my life, and saved me in more ways than one. My very own prince charming ….. I knew that Cinderella wasn’t just a fairytale!
In this life
I was nurtured I was sheltered
I was curious and young
I was searching for that something
Trying to find it on the run
Oh and just when I stopped looking
I saw just how far I'd come
In this life
In this life
You give me love
You give me light
Show me everything that's been happening
I've opened up my eyes
I'm following
Three steps fight an honest fight
Two hearts that can start a fire
One love is all I need
In this life
I have faltered I have stumbled
I have found my feet again
I've been angry I've been shaken
Found a new place to begin
My persistence to make a difference
Has led me safe into your hands
In this life
In this life
[Chorus]
I was put here for a reason
I was born into this world
And I'm living and I'm believing
That I was meant to be your goal
In this life
[Chorus]
